Pondering Jen

Many parents are now living full time with their kids. Here’s a parenting tip that helped me when I first started living with my kids around the clock.

When I was first adjusting to being with my kids around the clock, something I found helpful was this: I leaned into my kids.

When I found myself getting frustrated and ready to be mean to them, I stopped everything else I was doing (even if it meant cold cereal for dinner and leaving half cooked food on the stove) and hung out with them. I kept a mental list of stuff I most enjoyed doing with them- maybe it was watching TV, going for a walk, or snuggling in bed while we looked at books.

It worked every time. Because really, it was never them I was frustrated with. It was always something else. It was just easier to blame them.

The more I did this, the more I started to identify what was really causing me to lose it each day. I could then evaluate it. Why was I trying to control so many things? Was the result of our fight over “screen” time really less damaging than “screen” time? Was the tension and pressure I put on that second cupcake less harmful than (I believed) the second cupcake was? (Through intense personal research I’ve learned the solid and unrefutable answer to both of those is no. Click here for more.)

Where do we go from here? Well, it’s probably best to retire the idea that the amount of time teens spend on social media is a meaningful metric influencing their wellbeing. (Click here for the whole article.)

The Parenting Tip is Not Permissive Parenting

Sometimes people think this means we are permissive parents. I assure you, we are not. What leaning into my kids allowed me to do is figure out what was really upsetting me, learn about it, and make a far healthier and more informed choice- choices that allow my kids to learn so much more than if I had chosen another route.

This isn’t something that can be learned in a month or two. It took me years. (Click here for more.) It’s also harder to do if you are working full time from home. You can’t always drop what you are doing to lean in. Maybe you can more often than you think, though.

What I can say is that this small-but-not-so-simple act set me on a course to improve myself and my relationships with my kids (and them with each other) in ways I never could have dreamed of.

Not everyone can do this. Not everyone wants to. Maybe, though, if you find yourself really struggling with your kids day after day after day you could give it a try and see what happens.

One More Parenting Tip

Remember to look at their faces while you hang out. Listen to what they are saying. Ask questions that you genuinely want to know the answers to. Back off when they are done answering. Don’t be annoying. Don’t make it about you or about insituting some thing you have ready is good for every child. Don’t ask something just because a parenting article says it’s a good question. Don’t follow anything just because a parenting article says you should!

These times aren’t easy and I’m in no way pretending there’s a quick or easy fix to make the days smoother. Maybe it could be just a little bit easier than we think, though, and maybe leaning in is something we can try more easily than we suspect.

If you’d like to hear more about how parents who spend all day every day with their kids are are happy, calm, engagend, and keep things mostly connected and smooth, here are some wonderful thoughts from one of my favorite people in the world, Martha:

Happiness is a Practice

This afternoon I was driving along a road that runs parallel to the ocean. It is a cold day here in New England, just twenty-one degrees, but the sun is shining. It’s been weeks, it seems since we have seen real sunshine.

My kids were in the car with me. We had just come from drum lessons and were headed to drop some birthday balloons for my mom at work. It was another nothing/everything moment. (click here to read).  One of those moments when everything just seems so… perfect. I caught myself smiling. I noticed my shoulders were lower. There was a tingly feeling through my whole body- not major or weird, but it was only the 4th or 5th time in my life I’ve noticed it.

What Was It?

I’m big on self-awareness and have been practicing it more in recent years. So, when this feeling-I’ve-only-noticed-a-couple0f-times came on again, I took a moment to be with it, right there in the car while I was driving.

It was a little overwhelming, almost scary. At the risk of sounding new-agey (I’m not) or woo (I am also not) it felt like I was transcending something.

I sat with the feeling for another moment right along with the feelings of overwhelm and the beginnings of fear. I remembered feeling this way when I was younger.  I recalled that it was a reminder to check myself- to remember that something bad is always around the corner and that I should be prepared. But, what was this feeling?

Happiness. The feeling was happiness.

Not so long ago I did not believe I was worthy of happiness, it seems. So instead of appreciating it and feeling gratitude for it, my lovely brain would kick me down a notch to keep me in my place by reminding me that life ain’t easy and something bad is-a-coming.

I have always been open to personal change and growth. Over the last few years though I was forced to put in more of a concerted effort. (Click here to read) I had to dig deeper than ever to figure out how to keep life more steady. At the time, happiness wasn’t even a goal.

Funnily enough, my personal work on feeling better kept leading back to a few common themes; self-worth, gratitude, and happiness. There were some other things too.

I learned that for many of us, living with self-worth, gratitude, and happiness is a practice. It’s not something we are born with or are guaranteed. We have to continually practice these things if we want to feel them, to live in them. I also learned that there are specific things we can do to help ourselves live in these places more often- we can practice them.

I guess I’ve come a long way. All I saw on the halftime show heard from Minnesota to Nebraska was two powerful non-white women absolutely fucking crushing it.

A decade ago I too probably would have cried old school feminist virtues. Now though? I saw two women standing in their power, embracing who they are, and in a mere fourteen minutes and 21 seconds including lots and lots of women (not normal sized women yet, but Lizzo is changing that for us and it will have a ripple effect).

Not Much of a Feminist

I don’t pretend to know much about feminism. I’ve only started embracing feminism in the last year or so. I can say, though, that with all I’ve been learning I’m starting to sense that the only way we can live in our power is to be inclusive and intersectional.

This may mean evaluating ideas that make us really, really uncomfortable- and embracing them in the interest of coming together. This doesn’t mean abstaining from our values, or watering down the strong convictions we hold, but considering that the greater our inclusivity, the stronger our power. The infighting does nothing but bring us down, it seems.

Is sex work legitimate? Is stripping or pole dancing empowering and respectable? A decade ago I would have looked down my nose and called the idea disgusting- an assault to womankind.

Now though? I understand the importance of intersectionality and inclusivity. I know, right at my core, that calling women in is better than keeping us out. I know there are circumstances, perspectives, values, and considerations I’ve never been exposed to. I understand there’s more than I know. I feel, for the first time in my life, my privilege, and my limited, sheltered life. I don’t know how I feel about sex work and stripping. What I do  know though is that there is more to  all of this than I ever knew and that I’m privileged to have lots of options.

Maybe Most Importantly

Most importantly of all maybe, when I watched that half time show I felt nothing but pride for my fellow women on that stage. I felt inspiration and gratitude that these two women stood up there on behalf of all of us and moved their bodies in total confidence- with homage to their diverse heritage.

There is no question who held the most power in that arena during those fourteen minutes and twenty one seconds. It was Jenny from the block and Shakira. Two Latin women who commanded we see their strength. Two wildly successful women who have influence, control, power, money, and incredible dedication, perseverance, and skills. Two women who use all of this to raise up women and others who aren’t white men. Why would we, as women, or as feminists, try to shift that message?

Why wouldn’t we instead raise them up, together? What if we considered that these two women have risen through the challenges we women face- they have “made it”. They have lived every experience that holds us back collectively- and J. Lo chose to pole dance. What if instead of casting the line we’ve always held true, we pause for a moment to consider why?

What would happen if instead of trying  to control or contain their power we all cheered them on like hell? What if every single one of us chanted, consistently, that they are amazing?

Did you SEE what they did?

Did you FEEL THAT POWER?

Can you believe how lucky we are to have them standing up for us?

What if our voices were one? What if our collective message was one of support, pride, and love? It’s worth pausing to sink into that experience for a second, I think.

Still Lots to Learn

I have lots to learn. There’s so much I don’t know and I will rightfully be corrected on much of what I’ve written.

What I do know though is that exclusion and telling others how to stifle their power doesn’t really have a place in my feminism anymore. Are there exceptions? Of course. But if you find yourself wanting to cite examples of women using their “power” to harm, you’re stretching so far you are off track.

For those of you who are up for it, I offer you this opportunity.; if you’re in a place where you are capable, watch this performance looking only for the power. If you can, try to overcome any feelings of being offended. Just one time of watching it. Each time you start to feel upset, if you can, acknowledge it and push it aside, just this once.

See what you see. If you are able to feel the power of these two women, maybe you can consider that shift going forward, and see if it makes you consider other things differently.

You don’t have to do this, obviously. I’m really not trying to change anyone’s mind. I don’t know enough about this to have any desire to do this.

What I do know is that things are different than I though and that I’m glad I was finally open to reconsidering and learning. After all, not only am I a woman- I have a daughter. So, if you’re able, watch this show and see if you can see it from a perspective of nothing but woman power. The clip is below. Before you watch it though, there may be a few things you want to consider.

But First

First though- there are a couple of things you may not know. You may benefit from taking a couple of minutes to learn what some of the gestures performed mean. It may change the way you see some of the performance:

1. That tongue flicking gesture. Did you know it is something called Zaghrouta and is a traditional vocal expression done to express joy in Arab cultures? Click on this quote to read:

“The Grammy-winning artist, who is half Lebanese, was letting loose a zaghrouta, a chant often raised in the Middle East and North Africa at moments too joyful to celebrate otherwise. If you’ve ever been to an Arab wedding, you’ve probably heard such an ululation. If you’re related to anyone like my late grandmother, you heard it before you went off to prom, when you aced your final exams and when you returned home after a long trip away. Call it a “yeehaw,” a “yaaass,” a “hallelujah” — whatever suits you best.”

2. Belly Dancing, Rope Dance, and Instruments we Did not Notice:

“Shakira stood up for her Lebanese heritage in a country that is still overwhelmingly defined by ignorance and misinformation regarding the Middle East. And of course, the FCC complaint database is riddled with complaints of “indecency” from last night, and although I’m sure Jennifer Lopez’s stripper pole received a solid amount of those, I wouldn’t be surprised if a good percentage of whining puritans were scandalized by Shakira’s ethnic performance first.”

And finally, here’s the clip of the performance again. Maybe seeing a few of these gestures differently will shift the way we see the rest of the performance, too.

Here’s what I know: we are losing too many important contributions from women. Instead of speaking up we are camouflaging our stomachs. Instead of saying “no” we are nodding. Rather than swimming, we are staying covered in a chair. We opt out of jumping on the trampoline because our boobs and butts are too jiggly. We are modeling this for the next generation, too.

It would be better if it ends, now.

Everyone comes from a different place. The voices in our heads are unique. Our experiences and criticisms are all different. How we got where we are is as different as our fingerprints. I do believe though that we have some common ground; we all have room to love ourselves more, we could all benefit from increasing our self-worth, most of us would have better lives if we were happy in the bodies we are in, and all of our lives would be better if fewer people told us what we need to be happy.

How do we get there? Gosh, just google it and a million people will give you their “how-to”. Many suggest we follow their ten-step plan. It does feel easier that way- doing a plan somebody else created for us, even though they do not know us.

Self-Worth for Women

In my experience, it’s much harder than that. It’s more work, thought, intention, and time. Our goals and endpoints will all be different. The way we get there will run parallel and even cross sometimes, but it will never be the same path. Our roadblocks, closets, and foundations all contain different stuff.

We don’t have to do any work. We don’t. We can stay as we are. Sometimes it’s too painful. Some of us have been so shattered we need to stay where we are. We find contentment in the life we have.

Though unfair, some of us are able to start to peek into our closets and take the first timid steps through our roadblocks. We are able to rebuild our foundation with new thoughts and memories so that the fresh construction on top is stable, known, intentional- so that when there is a crack we better know how to repair it to make it strong again.

We may not all be capable of doing this work. Life is not just. Some of us have more than others. Some of us get more than others.

Self-Worth for Women

I have no call to action. I have nothing I can sell you, offer for you to download, and no link to my calendar to book a coaching session. Maybe one day I will have something more to offer.

All I have today is my own personal experience of being lucky enough to miraculously find the strength to pull myself from the bowels of self-worth, mental health, and emotion. I’d never be able to tell you how I did it and if I could it wouldn’t matter. My path is not the same as yours. Sometimes what matters is only knowing that another has done it. For me, this acted as a lifeline.

I can share a few of the resources that helped me start to think there might be life left in me. Maybe another time I’ll find it in me to share more of my story and the resoruces I continued to use to not only pull myself out, but build myself up.

Why Is Self-Worth for Women Important?

I want more women to be able to feel better. I want us to stop being duped and start being empowered to heal the parts of us that need healing. I want us to know we are worthy of the time and effort it takes to love ourselves and to stop being exploited and victimized by industries that profit from lowering our self-worth. I am coming to believe the only way we can do this is by finding our self-worth and then reaching a hand back to help other women do the same.

So, for now, I will share these resources in hopes they might be helpful to some of you. You are worthy of feeling better and I hope it can happen for you wherever you are in your journey.

Here are some of the first resources I used when I was in crisis. They are helpful and useful whether or not you are in crisis:

Self-Compassion is a term most of us have heard but it may be different than we think. I dismissed it for years as weak, or woo. It’s neither. It’s important and Dr. Neff has a straight-forward and direct way of sharing it with us. Click here to buy the book.

This was the first book I read when I knew if I did not start to come up right in that moment I would likely not come up ever again. It shattered me open in a positive and helpful way. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown gives us an understanding that we are worthy as we are, even with our imperfect humanity.

For those who don’t know my story, I quit drinking when I realized how dangerously poor my mental health was. I had been self-medicating for years, and I stopped. I needed a way to fill that time at night so I started walking. I walked and I walked and I walked. I walked around the streets of Denver for two hours every night listening to music. (I do sometimes drink alcohol now, but not very often and not very much). 

At one point, I realized that when I listened to female musicians I felt better- that something inside me stirred and I felt hopeful… like I might be able to get better. I started to wonder how I could pump the voices of strong women into my head to drown out the voices of self-doubt and unkindness. This was when I disocovered podcasts and ultimately started my own (click here for Real Women’s Work Podcast).

I wanted podcasts by women only. Women interviewing women. I found Vibrant Happy Woman Podcast and Employee of the Month. I listened to those women speak their messy, challenging, imperfect truths with total vulnerability. I listened to how they had learned to live with their imperfections and sometimes even find their worth.

I listened to strong women share how they became who they are- the absolute shit they overcame and I started to feel connected. I credit these podcasts as much as I do books, therapy, and medication with helping me climb out of the abyss.

These are resources that helped me. They may help you. They may not. If you know someone who is living in a way that is authentic and attractive to you- reach out to them and ask if they have resources to recommend. If you have resources to recommend please, please put them in the comments below.

I hope this post is helpful to you in some way. I hope something in it resonates and sets something off inside that gives you permission to find your worth if its missing. I am coming to believe it is the most important thing we have. 

Me: “I only work out when I feel like it.”

Them: “pssht. If you only work out when you feel like it you’ll never work out.”

Me: “ I do workout. When I feel like it.”

Them: “I workout a lot because I like to eat.”

Me: “I like to eat.”

Them: “but I like to eat a lot of pasta and sweets.”

Me: “me too.”

Them: “but that’s why I workout. So I can eat a lot of that stuff.”

Me: “I eat whatever I want whenever I want.”

Them: “But if you don’t workout and you eat whatever you want whenever you want you’ll get fat!”

Me: “that’s not my experience and not what research supports.”

Them: “well you’ll never lose weight that way.”

Me: “I’m not trying to lose weight.”

Them: look at me up and down trying to be conspicuous.

Them: “Well, you’ll never make any progress if you don’t workout consistently.”

Me: “I’m not trying to make progress.”

Them:

Them:

Them: “well then why do you workout?”

Me: “because I feel like it.”

Them: “how often?”

Me: “Sometimes a few times a week. Sometimes a few times a month.”

Them: “but if it’s not to lose weight and not to make progress why do you even workout? I hate working out and if I didn’t have to I’d sit on the couch all day eating ice cream!”

Me: “I only workout when I feel Like it- when I’ll enjoy it so it’s not a chore. It’s a thing I always look forward to. I never have to talk myself into it. I’m glad both when I am on my way and when I’m done. To me, that’s really taking care of myself. There’s no self hatred tied to my workouts. No berating. No winning or losing. It makes me better without making me worse. I don’t spend hours dreading, talking myself into, or thinking about working out. I have no goal other than feeling good.”

Them: “I only feel good after I workout, or I feel so much better after I work out.

Me: “yeah. I remember feeling that way too. For me, it in part led to a massive mental breakdown because it wasn’t authentic self-care. I was doing something because somebody else told me it was what would make feel better.

I was a double session gym goer- I went every morning and every evening. I spun. I stepped. I lifted. I sweat my ass off. I was a size 6 always trying to be more fit. I always felt good after. But I was there to make my body pleasing to others, not because it was in my best interest. That took a toll. Now I’m fat. When I workout I lift weights causally and walk.

I still fight the demons that try to push me to do what others think is my self care. Fortunately, I found my worth internally and learned how to really take care of my self and now, I’ve never felt better, happier, or more content. I’ve also never been healthier.”

Them: “Wow. I guess I never thought of it that way.”

or

Them: “No wonder she’s fat.”

Either response is okay. Either way it does not change that I have stopped working out as a from of self-hatred and started working out as a form of self-love, when I feel like it.