Pondering Jen

Here’s what I know: we are losing too many important contributions from women. Instead of speaking up we are camouflaging our stomachs. Instead of saying “no” we are nodding. Rather than swimming, we are staying covered in a chair. We opt out of jumping on the trampoline because our boobs and butts are too jiggly. We are modeling this for the next generation, too.

It would be better if it ends, now.

Everyone comes from a different place. The voices in our heads are unique. Our experiences and criticisms are all different. How we got where we are is as different as our fingerprints. I do believe though that we have some common ground; we all have room to love ourselves more, we could all benefit from increasing our self-worth, most of us would have better lives if we were happy in the bodies we are in, and all of our lives would be better if fewer people told us what we need to be happy.

How do we get there? Gosh, just google it and a million people will give you their “how-to”. Many suggest we follow their ten-step plan. It does feel easier that way- doing a plan somebody else created for us, even though they do not know us.

Self-Worth for Women

In my experience, it’s much harder than that. It’s more work, thought, intention, and time. Our goals and endpoints will all be different. The way we get there will run parallel and even cross sometimes, but it will never be the same path. Our roadblocks, closets, and foundations all contain different stuff.

We don’t have to do any work. We don’t. We can stay as we are. Sometimes it’s too painful. Some of us have been so shattered we need to stay where we are. We find contentment in the life we have.

Though unfair, some of us are able to start to peek into our closets and take the first timid steps through our roadblocks. We are able to rebuild our foundation with new thoughts and memories so that the fresh construction on top is stable, known, intentional- so that when there is a crack we better know how to repair it to make it strong again.

We may not all be capable of doing this work. Life is not just. Some of us have more than others. Some of us get more than others.

Self-Worth for Women

I have no call to action. I have nothing I can sell you, offer for you to download, and no link to my calendar to book a coaching session. Maybe one day I will have something more to offer.

All I have today is my own personal experience of being lucky enough to miraculously find the strength to pull myself from the bowels of self-worth, mental health, and emotion. I’d never be able to tell you how I did it and if I could it wouldn’t matter. My path is not the same as yours. Sometimes what matters is only knowing that another has done it. For me, this acted as a lifeline.

I can share a few of the resources that helped me start to think there might be life left in me. Maybe another time I’ll find it in me to share more of my story and the resoruces I continued to use to not only pull myself out, but build myself up.

Why Is Self-Worth for Women Important?

I want more women to be able to feel better. I want us to stop being duped and start being empowered to heal the parts of us that need healing. I want us to know we are worthy of the time and effort it takes to love ourselves and to stop being exploited and victimized by industries that profit from lowering our self-worth. I am coming to believe the only way we can do this is by finding our self-worth and then reaching a hand back to help other women do the same.

So, for now, I will share these resources in hopes they might be helpful to some of you. You are worthy of feeling better and I hope it can happen for you wherever you are in your journey.

Here are some of the first resources I used when I was in crisis. They are helpful and useful whether or not you are in crisis:

Self-Compassion is a term most of us have heard but it may be different than we think. I dismissed it for years as weak, or woo. It’s neither. It’s important and Dr. Neff has a straight-forward and direct way of sharing it with us. Click here to buy the book.

This was the first book I read when I knew if I did not start to come up right in that moment I would likely not come up ever again. It shattered me open in a positive and helpful way. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown gives us an understanding that we are worthy as we are, even with our imperfect humanity.

For those who don’t know my story, I quit drinking when I realized how dangerously poor my mental health was. I had been self-medicating for years, and I stopped. I needed a way to fill that time at night so I started walking. I walked and I walked and I walked. I walked around the streets of Denver for two hours every night listening to music. (I do sometimes drink alcohol now, but not very often and not very much). 

At one point, I realized that when I listened to female musicians I felt better- that something inside me stirred and I felt hopeful… like I might be able to get better. I started to wonder how I could pump the voices of strong women into my head to drown out the voices of self-doubt and unkindness. This was when I disocovered podcasts and ultimately started my own (click here for Real Women’s Work Podcast).

I wanted podcasts by women only. Women interviewing women. I found Vibrant Happy Woman Podcast and Employee of the Month. I listened to those women speak their messy, challenging, imperfect truths with total vulnerability. I listened to how they had learned to live with their imperfections and sometimes even find their worth.

I listened to strong women share how they became who they are- the absolute shit they overcame and I started to feel connected. I credit these podcasts as much as I do books, therapy, and medication with helping me climb out of the abyss.

These are resources that helped me. They may help you. They may not. If you know someone who is living in a way that is authentic and attractive to you- reach out to them and ask if they have resources to recommend. If you have resources to recommend please, please put them in the comments below.

I hope this post is helpful to you in some way. I hope something in it resonates and sets something off inside that gives you permission to find your worth if its missing. I am coming to believe it is the most important thing we have. 

Me: “I only work out when I feel like it.”

Them: “pssht. If you only work out when you feel like it you’ll never work out.”

Me: “ I do workout. When I feel like it.”

Them: “I workout a lot because I like to eat.”

Me: “I like to eat.”

Them: “but I like to eat a lot of pasta and sweets.”

Me: “me too.”

Them: “but that’s why I workout. So I can eat a lot of that stuff.”

Me: “I eat whatever I want whenever I want.”

Them: “But if you don’t workout and you eat whatever you want whenever you want you’ll get fat!”

Me: “that’s not my experience and not what research supports.”

Them: “well you’ll never lose weight that way.”

Me: “I’m not trying to lose weight.”

Them: look at me up and down trying to be conspicuous.

Them: “Well, you’ll never make any progress if you don’t workout consistently.”

Me: “I’m not trying to make progress.”

Them:

Them:

Them: “well then why do you workout?”

Me: “because I feel like it.”

Them: “how often?”

Me: “Sometimes a few times a week. Sometimes a few times a month.”

Them: “but if it’s not to lose weight and not to make progress why do you even workout? I hate working out and if I didn’t have to I’d sit on the couch all day eating ice cream!”

Me: “I only workout when I feel Like it- when I’ll enjoy it so it’s not a chore. It’s a thing I always look forward to. I never have to talk myself into it. I’m glad both when I am on my way and when I’m done. To me, that’s really taking care of myself. There’s no self hatred tied to my workouts. No berating. No winning or losing. It makes me better without making me worse. I don’t spend hours dreading, talking myself into, or thinking about working out. I have no goal other than feeling good.”

Them: “I only feel good after I workout, or I feel so much better after I work out.

Me: “yeah. I remember feeling that way too. For me, it in part led to a massive mental breakdown because it wasn’t authentic self-care. I was doing something because somebody else told me it was what would make feel better.

I was a double session gym goer- I went every morning and every evening. I spun. I stepped. I lifted. I sweat my ass off. I was a size 6 always trying to be more fit. I always felt good after. But I was there to make my body pleasing to others, not because it was in my best interest. That took a toll. Now I’m fat. When I workout I lift weights causally and walk.

I still fight the demons that try to push me to do what others think is my self care. Fortunately, I found my worth internally and learned how to really take care of my self and now, I’ve never felt better, happier, or more content. I’ve also never been healthier.”

Them: “Wow. I guess I never thought of it that way.”

or

Them: “No wonder she’s fat.”

Either response is okay. Either way it does not change that I have stopped working out as a from of self-hatred and started working out as a form of self-love, when I feel like it.

Self-worth is essetnial to living a happy life, I think. I did not realize it, though. How about you?

Everyone is looking back at their year, it seems. There are lots of posts and conversations about greatest accomplishments. I love reading them. I love hearing about how you made something happen. I love to see you celebrate! It got me thinking about what my greatest accomplishment is this year and within seconds of wondering, I knew the answer: this year I found my self-worth. Not superficially. Not in theory. Not because I’m on-trend. I deep down, for real, understand my worthiness for the first time in my life.

What does this mean? It means when I enter a room or conversation I think about the people and the conversations we’ll have rather than if I’ve camouflaged my stomach enough. It means I no longer think about whether the food I’m eating is good or bad and have alllll that time freed up for far more important things and thoughts.

It means I no longer judge myself for living in a way that’s best for me even if it’s atypical. Whether that’s a different sleep schedule, wearing comfortable clothes instead of fashionable, or embracing true food freedom, I love myself and know these are good choices even when the person in front of me stares incredulously.

Finding my self-worth means that when I don’t understand something or think I should know a piece of information that I don’t, I no longer fall down a shame spiral. Now I know this doesn’t mean I’m stupid or less wanted. It just means I know different things.

Having high self-worth has allowed me to see the worth in others. I can see now that even though someone is living differently than me it’s not necessarily better or worse- it’s worthy. I can set boundaries so that if the way someone else lives negatively impacts my life I can step aside or out of it.

This year’s accomplishment in finding my self-worth is life-changing. It has set me up for the second half of life so much better than the first. I suspect it won’t feel like the same person living it. Except it is. And it’s all those fuck ups, poor choices, and irresponsibility that helped me to get here.

We all start at different places. I wish I’d started with higher self-worth. I’m not grateful for starting where I did. Life would have been better if I’d had self-worth before turning 45. My life would have been better if certain things had not happened. I don’t believe it all happens for a reason.

Hopefully, all of this work I am doing is allowing my kids to start with high self-worth. I mean it is. I know it is. I see it in them every day. And that’s what we all hope for, right? To give our kids a better starting point than we had?

My vision for this year is to share the tools and resources that helped me get here in case they are also useful for other women. The more women I talk to the more I understand how too many of us have been robbed of self-worth.

It’s not that I hope other women have the same experience I do. Of course not. I just want more women to have access to living a life unaplogetically and without so many of their thoughts being stuck on how lousy and unworthy they are.

We read about women stepping into their power and for me it was easy to dismiss this idea as corny or woo. Now, of course, I see that it is neither. Stepping into our power allows us to live in a better way. This doesn’t mean grandiose or famous or rich. It just means better in whatever  better means to us- better boundaires, relationships, work, self-love, self-talk, or whatever makes life better, happier, for you.

With all of the struggles, injustice, and wrongs we women live with, it seems we also live at an exciting time. We are stepping into our power and talking about it- sharing what works, spreading our confidence, role modeling boundaries, and stopping ourselves in our tracks from apologizing. It’s not right that we have all this work to do but we are doing it anyway.

Here’s to us stepping into our power and putting our hands down to pull up another woman along with us. Has there ever been anything more hopeful?

Do you have resources that have helped you raise your self-worth? Will you share them in the comments? The more we women help each other the better the world gets for all of us!

Here’s something I’ve learned about boundaries: if someone has a good handle on boundaries and has them set, it doesn’t matter if you think the boundaries are appropriate. That’s the point. They are their boundaries.

In fact, the more we judge, disapprove of, and try to dismantle those boundaries, the further away from us that person will push. They will include us in their life less. We will not approach the glorious space of intimacy because we cannot be trusted to be respectful, trustworthy, or capable of holding relationship.