Shame runs deep. It seems especially dark and strangling when we think we are the only one. But you are not the only one.
You are not the only one who woke up today with a hangover wondering what it will take for you to quit drinking so you can have your life back.
You are not the only one facing financial ruin sure there is no way out.
You are not the only one whose kid has caused major problems and changed your circle of friends.
You are not the only one who is estranged from her mother and sisters, trying to go on as thought it’s not devesating.
You are not the only one trying to keep us with the Jones’ at all costs knowing deep down this is not the life you want.
You are not the only one punishing your child feeling to your very core that connection is the real solution.
You are not the only one who has been an asshole to someone you love.
You are not the only one trying to understand how to repair the damage.
You are not the only one who took advantage of a friend and still have trouble sleeping at night because of it.
You are not the only one who looks back at your 22 or 32 or 42 year old self and cringes- wishing you’d understood how little you knew.
You are not the only one who has said something racist becuase you didn’t know.
You are not the only one who laughed at a joke even though it exploited you, to be polite.
You are not the only one who flipped off the person in that car only to find out it was an old woman.
You are not the only one who didn’t stick up for the person being bullied because their body does not meet a false standard.
You are not the only one.
You are not the only one.
Even though it feels like you are the weakest, most irresponsible person in the whole world, you are not the only one.
You are worthy.
You are lovable.
You are humanly imperfect.
You know who my aboslute favorite people are? The ones I learn the most from and whose wisdom and counsel I seek during times or trouble? The people who have not only been through shit, but who have owned it and possess the humanity to know we are all worthy not even though we did the wrong thing, but including it.
We all walk our own path. Make our unique mistakes. Struggle individually with the parts of us we have not worked through- the ones that elicit actions that hurt ourselves and others.
Still. We are not the only one.
See, I have learned that we are all human. I understand now that those who have no battle wounds, no massive mistakes and irresponsiblity under their belts either haven’t taken risks, have had the good fortunate of being part of an actualized, functional, well adjusted family and community (rare), or are pretending. Truthfully, I think it’s mostly the latter.
Part of the reason I am so open about my own struggles and irresponsibilities is that I hope it will allow others to see self-compassion. Because now I know that without compassion and self-compassion none of us is healthy. Not as individuals. Not as a collective.
Because now I know that without forgiveness- including self-forgiveness, we are all beholden to the poor choices of not only our own past, but everyone else’s too. And nobdy can move forward when this is true.
Exploiting the trust of forgiveness granted is unhealthy and inappropriate. But those who seek and grant it know a compassion, humility, joy, and connection the rest of us never will. Especially, in my eperience, when we can learn to forgive ourselves. When we can learn to love our whole selves- not just the parts that look pretty and neat and tidy, but the messy, complicated, irresponsbile, shame-inducing parts of ourselves, too. I have learned that we cannot love our whole selves if we pretend part of ourself does not exist.
So.
You are not alone.
Not today. Not tomorrow. Not yesterday when you ripped that math test up at 8 years old and flushed it down the toilet so your parents wouldn’t see. Not yesterday in your early twenties when you bought a car you could not afford and got yourself into serious financial trouble. Not when the ground fell out from beneath you when the income stopped and the bills kept coming and you did what you needed to do to keep food on the table for your family.
Not even when you made that one split-second horrid decision that ripped through generations. You were not alone even then.
In my opnion, the very best people in this whole world are the ones who have learned how to own their shit. The ones who have fucked up massively and been able to say “I am fixing this and I am worthy. I am worthy of being in humanity becuase I am human.”
They are the carriers of all the goodness in the world. The realness. True love. Humanity.
You are not alone. Believe me. Someone else is right there with you. I am right here with you. With my mistakes and your imperfections and our separate and collective bad behavior that we are fixing. With my waiting until 40 to grow up and you pretending you were perfect until last week.
While you are facing that person in the mirror- the one you have been trying to hide from and cover up and begging to go away… while you are facing her… trust and know that you not the only one.
You are worthy.
You are lovable.
You belong.
You are human.
You are not the only one.
We are right there with you.
I am right here with you.
We are standing behind you
showering you with love and warmth
as you slowly lift your chin that hangs so low
to not only see who it is looking back at you in that mirror,
but to see that she is not a monster.
She is not horrid.
She is a wounded human who did the best she could with what she had and now is ready for more.
We are standing behind you,
quiet.
In solidarity
and support.
Ready.
Able.
Shoulders capable of holding the weight.
Minds learned in holding the space.
So that when you are able to look at the woman in the mirror and tell her you love her,
you will also find all of us there,
holding you,
smiling,
knowingly.
So that we can welcome you to the other side. The clear side. The honest side. The human side.
No, sister. You are not the only one. You never were.
Not in the choices you made, the represucssions you face, the outcomes you affected.
You were not the only one then. You are not the only one now.
You are here.
We love you.
I love you.
Not in spite of those things but because of them.
Really and always.
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