This is exactly the way I dreamed of my life when I dared to dream.
In the dark times- Cancer, job loss, a marriage close to the brink of divorce, a mental breakdown, alcohol abuse, poor mental health… during all of that I was privy to a glimpse. A glimpse of a good and happy life. A happy life filled with contentment, gratitude, and connection. A life of warmth, thoughtfulness, coziness, and laughter.
I caught a glimpse of opting out of the struggle, embracing those around me for who they are, tightening up our bubble, and living fully and authentically with those I love.
I couldn’t imagine I deserved such a life. I am so, so flawed. So very imperfect. So many irresponsible and gross choices.
Yet, here I am. There isn’t a part of my day, or my life, that I dread. Not going to sleep (former insomniac), not waking up (used to hate my life from living a life out of obligation), not Mondays or Sunday nights or Wednesdays at 2.
My husband works from home. We live as though school doesn’t exist. (Click here to read.) We make choices based on what feels good and right. We keep learning, and S-l-O-W-L-Y try things that make us feel even better.
I don’t hold steadfast to others’ ideas of how my children should live, and what they should do. I don’t get scared when I hear another parent operating out of fear of what may be. When my kids, or my kids and I, or my husband and I argue -and we still don’t argue in a healthy or admirable way- I know that our joint accounts are filled with promises kept, “I’m sorry’s” accompanied by personal change, and so much love and warmth that the damage done is far less than it’s ever been.
I no longer berate my body and have intentionally opted out of spending one more second of my life obsessing about food or trying to (sweet Jesus above!) lose weight. (Click here to read). I wear comfortable clothes every minute of every day. Imagine? Nothing cutting into my waste or chosen specifically to hide an area of my body that somebody else believes should be embarrassing for me- my body! The very thing I live in being too shameful to have seen as it is!
I never really dreamed this much peace was possible- this much joy. This much calm. This much authenticity. God, it feels so good.
So as I make a chock-full-of-not-addictive-cheap-and-yummy-sugar-filled strawberry shortcake for dinner with the fire going, my husband working in his office the next room over from me, and listening to my kids drumming and strumming (click here to read) I am filled with such a deep gratitude I’m not sure how to harness it.
But I’ve learned how. I’m learning how. I’m savoring it. I’m recording it. I’m sharing it. Instead of sabotaging it, I’m recognizing that this is my next big leap– knowing that I am worthy of all happiness all the time in my life, and knowing that accepting it is a daily practice.
This is real. It’s not made up. It’s not dramatized. In fact, if I really wrote about how awesome life is I’d no longer be credible- because it seems to good to be true.
Why am I sharing this? As usual, I have no idea. Maybe it’s more ego driven than I’ll admit. I’m selling nothing- no course, no coaching, no opportunity. None of what I have now came from any of those things. It came from a necessity for life to improve and that had to come from me.
I think I’m sharing this so that you know. Maybe it’s because I’m proud of myself, but I think I want you to know in case you need to read this.
For many of us, life doesn’t have to be so hard. We don’t have to move in chaos. We don’t have to fight with our kids so much. We don’t have to control them. We don’t have to have a particular house or car or pair of shoes to justify our worthiness. In fact, the happiest people I know don’t value any of those things.
I’m not suggesting how anyone should live. Really, I’m not. It just doesn’t have to be so hard.
So, I’m off to take a shower and put on my pajamas before dinner- a dinner table likely filled with various meals and the same dessert. A dinner table with people who love to be together, love me, and love each other.
I never dreamed this life could be real. But here we really are.